The 8 people you'll meet on Twitter

This is the most reliable and in-depth analysis of people and personalities you'll find on Twitter. All conclusions were not reached until extensive studies and experiments could not disprove the validity of each individual person. Here we go!

**(editor's note: These examples are not gender specific. Anyone can be a Joe Schmo CEO or a Sally "open book" Jones, male or female. For example you could be Jane Doe CEO or Johnny "open book" Smith. No one is excluded. Also, I've decided to take a crack at doing my own graphics. I'm sure it's obvious which ones I did)

1. Joe Schmo CEO


First up is Joe Schmo CEO. Don't just call him Joe Schmo... He worked hard to get that CEO on the end of his name. This guy thinks he is the shiz online and most of the time he is. He's always on his portable device checking in, replying to emails or just tweetin it up with other Joe Schmo CEO, SEO Joe Schmo or Joe Schmo "I run my own business" PRO about the latest tech gadget. These guys are important. They're the ones who are behind the scenes that make the internet work. Without them no one could make fun of their friend who had a horribly awkward Facebook breakup or tweet at Justin Bieber 50 times a day hoping to get noticed even if it means he blocked you... #stillnoticed : ) <3.

Even if he doesn't have a lot of followers, he'll still have a well rounded chunk of successful, influential people following him. The phrase "To be successful you have to surround yourself with successful people" is the motto he lives by. These are vital to the Twitter community. If you meet one, or follow one, it's wise to always keep a good relationship. If you make one of them mad, you're burning more than one bridge, all his buddies (SEO, PRO etc.) will know about it and it won't be good for you.  On the other hand if you manage to post something that gets RT'd by one of these people, you should pat yourself on the back.

It should be noted that there is a large group of up-and-coming Joe Schmos called Joe Schmo Tadpoles. These are usually college students just getting into the business world. If you are a Joe Schmo Tadpole, you have a great chance of success if you develop a strong school of other Tadpoles that you could eventually do business with or feed the egos of the Joe Schmo CEOs and brown nose your way into a job.


2. Sally "open book" Jones


Next is Sally. Sally uses Twitter because she loves telling people everything about her life. She would just use Facebook but she wants to share with ALL the friends she can and people started getting mad when she posted on Facebook too much so she uses both. There is never a doubt in your mind what Sally is thinking and how she is feeling. Be prepared for some emotional overload when she's having a bad day or if she just had a great date...

You always know where Sally is and, of course, who she's with. She probably has an account with Foursquare so she can brag when she is at a cool place like the beach, or even someplace as normal as the ice cream shop. She smiles a little inside because she knows she's rubbing it in everyone's faces.

If there was a hash tag that described Sally it would be #TMI, but if you asked her she would say the hash tag that best describes her is #everyonesfavorite.

Sally is important for Twitter though because when she isn't rambling on about her life, she is talking to you and making it fun to tweet! Most people exhibit a little Sally in themselves every once and awhile, it's natural. She loves to talk to people she can relate with and everyone loves to get responses to their tweets, it's a win win.

3. Lucy Fer

If you didn't laugh, read the name again. Lucy is usually an alter ego or multiple personality for most people, like the Hulk... you don't want to make her mad. Sometimes, Lucy just comes out and there was nothing you could do about it.

Lucy is going to hate on you, pure and simple. That's her job and she's dang good at it. The severity, however, depends on how mad Lucy is, who you are to Lucy and what you did to her. A common tweet from Lucy would be the passive aggressive rant, and sound something like this: "The fat kid sitting next to me just tried to get my number #gross #inyourdreamsfatty"or "I hate when best friends stab you in the back... Hope you like gum in your hair #skank".  Sometimes she tweets rants because she thinks the people they are about aren't on Twitter and will never see it. It's how she vents. If she's really angry, she could care less. In extreme cases she @ mentions you in the tweet, starting a war that will only end if she dies or you give up.

I recommend that you try to control the Lucy within. She'll always get the best of you and once she's done her deed she disappears and you're left to clean up the mess. If you see yourself tweeting anything prideful or derogatory, shut your mouth and put Lucy back where she belongs... somewhere she can't be heard.

4. ESPN Sven

You might have guessed from the name that Sven loves sports. Sven is the lifeblood of sports teams. He always has an opinion about every game. If there is an amazing play he's tweeted about it faster than the cameramen can whip up a replay.  When it comes to sports, it's always clear who his teams are and there is no doubt he follows every player, superfan, coach and team account there is... big or small he's not going to miss an update!

Before Twitter, Sven had a hard time if he was somewhere he couldn't watch the game. Now, Sven can  go out and do what he does without worrying that he'll miss a play because he follows every sports analyst and announcer. Really the only thing he misses is looking at the cheerleaders. (Although, he probably has the cheerleaders as his screen saver so in reality, I guess he really isn't missing anything!)

Warning: If ESPN Sven and Lucy Fer join forces, get ready for a war of trash talk. Days before the game Sven and Lucy will fight to the death in support of their team. Lucy will take the opportunity to move from trash talking the team to trash talking you. Personal insults will reach new levels if you keep the fire burning with comebacks. Depending on your deep rooted love for the team, either duck and cover or set up base and recruit more soldiers; it's about to get ugly! In the end the only thing that will end the war is the final score.
**(editor's note: In-state games against BYU are an exception. Even if the game is over and they lost, they'll still find any and every excuse to trash talk your team. It's ingrained in their DNA. My advice? = just reply to anything they say with #scoreboard. It'll drive them nuts, but only if you're consistent.)

5. Egbert  

Egbert is pretty self explanatory. He's that dude that still has an egg for his profile pic. That may seem pretty simple but there is more than meets the egg here. Egbert has a whole load of brothers and sisters, all ironically named Egbert. Like fraternal twins (or billiontuplets?), each one has their own personality.

One of the Egberts you'll run into is very shy and reserved, following exactly 2000 celebrities (follow cap), but never tweets a thing. He is always listening and paying attention but sees no need to contribute his own opinions (or personal picture) except on rare circumstances where he could RT and win an iPad2 (scam). Among all Egberts, a more common guy is the one that has 0 followers, 0 following and 432 tweets. I like to call him a spammer. There is a button to push and report him. I do it frequently. (No, I won't click your suspicious link)

Egbert can also be that awkward kid that always tries to be cool and fit in with the other kids. You know who I'm talking about. He ends up making a fool of himself while at the same time providing lots of genuine entertainment for those around him. Yes, this is the guy that sends a normal tweet thinking he is just talking to one person. This is the guy that MTs people who don't exist or aren't who he thinks. He may use the @ instead of a hash tag or even #hashtagentiresentencesbecausehethinksithelpshimfitinandbecoolbutreallyitjustprovesthatheisanoob. (You get all that?)
**(editor's note: Watch out for Egberts in bird's clothing. They give off the appearance that they have "hatched" because their picture is no longer an egg. Check their tweets. If they exhibit any of the above mentioned signs, they're probably trying to pull one over on you. Don't fall for it!) 

Let's be honest, Twitter wouldn't be what it is without Egbert. He's the one guy we can all laugh at because deep down we know that we all used to be there... some of us longer than others.

6. Phil Yuen 

Phil is a living breathing newspaper. It's pretty easy to know if you're following a Phil. Based on a study done at the Lumberjack Couch Academy, it's been proven that at any given time 2 of the tweets in your timeline are from him. There are all kinds of Phils. Phil Yuen on Politics, Phil Yuen on World, Phil Yuen on Local, Phil Yuen on Celeb Gossip etc. He'll fill you in on anything!

He loves to follow all the accounts like CNN Breaking, Huffington Post and New York Times and ironically enough, it is most definitely a Phil that is tweeting behind those accounts. Be careful though, If he is really passionate about something he'll retweet the crap out of things and you'll find yourself on the brink of clicking that unfollow button. Be careful though because Phil can be a great person to keep good terms with. When you're in a bind and need a question answered, Phil will be your go-to guy. He'll send you a link with your answer and it will make putting up with his Twitter binges all worth it.


7. Sir Laffselot

Sir Laffselot is one of my favorite people on Twitter. I'm convinced that everyone at, at least one point in their life, wants to be him. He is truly the favorite child, the popular kid, the class clown and the one that everyone wants to be friends with.

Sir Laffselot was just fine living his life, cracking jokes in class every chance he got even if he only made 1 kid laugh. Perhaps he was a comedian who toured the US but never got any global attention.  Then one day Twitter came along, and suddenly his jokes and funny sayings could be broadcast to millions of people world wide. His realm of laughter was no longer restricted by his physical location. And so it began; his mind became the ultimate comedy creating machine that would help win him the laughs and attention of as many people as possible. Even if it meant lying about his own personal situations to get a laugh, nobody cared, everyone loved it.

Addicted to the potential for more attention, Sir Laffselot decided that his ingenious ideas could be channeled into parody Twitter accounts. Soon things started catching on like #thatawkwardmomentwhen, celebrity parodies, fails, #whitegirlproblems/#mormonproblems, animal and even dead terrorist accounts. Laffselot has successfully created a comedic empire and everyone can't get enough! (I know I can't)

While there are now millions of these parody accounts,  He still tweets great stuff from his personal account and takes pride in seeing how many RTs he gets.
**(editor's note: Be careful reading some of these tweets during class as involuntary bursts of raucous laughter may occur and make you feel like an idiot when the whole class is staring at you. Read these tweets in a "safe to laugh" environment for best results.)

8. Gabby

Last but not least we have Gabby. Gabby is, pure and simple, a social butterfly. Twitter is her flower garden and she pollenates the shiz out of every flower there is. Gabby sometimes gets carried away and tweets more than she texts. It's not uncommon for her to use Twitter on her phone and send a tweet instead of a text. Why?... That is yet to be determined.

Gabby loves to talk and socialize. She'll often MT 4 or 5 people in a single tweet and start a MEGA-Tweet sesh that can go on for some time. When everyone has an opinion and hits reply all, everyone else has to hear it, regardless of if it applies to them or not. Sometimes this is fun but other times it's just plain annoying.

Just like not many people know that Lil' Wayne invented the term "Bling Bling", not many people know that Gabby started #TeamFollowBack. She loves to talk to people and make new friends, why not organize a team of people that love to do the same? She doesn't care who you are, as long as you're able to tweet, she'll be your friend.

Another little known fact... Gabby is Sally Jones' sister; she carries a lot of the same traits. Sometimes she is the hopeless romantic looking for someone to give her attention and other times she is the positive vibes, motivational tweeter that always has a good quote or saying to tweet out there.
**(editor's note: Keep your eye's peeled for MEGA-Tweet sesh's with a bunch of Sallys and Gabbys. They get pretty intense and have been known to run on for days at a time.) 

The Challenge

Now that you have a basic understanding of the main people on Twitter, go to your timeline and examine your last 10 tweets. Based on what is said above where do you fit? The results might surprise you. If you're man enough (or woman enough) to post who you think you most resemble, post it in the comments and let the people decide if you see yourself correctly or if you're blind to your own personality. :)

I'll start. (and I'll make it big and bold because I'm not afraid)

I believe the majority of the time I am a mix between Sally Jones, Sir Laffselot and Joe Schmo Tadpole. What do you think?

I'm sure I missed a few people. let me know if you can think of any other personalities and I'll do some hardcore research and post a follow-up.